Dear Papabear,
The other day, I had a rare day out into the capital with one of my friends and I managed to meet up with a few of hers. One of them took me by surprise as he was an older guy, mid-40’s as a guess, with a nice round tummy. And, I do certainly have a thing for older, round-tummied men. Once the day out had ended and I was back home, I wrote him a message asking if, because he was single, if he’d ever consider having a male companion. He told me he was cool with me being gay and liked me as a friend, but was only really interested in women. It’s a bit of a blow to discover this is a straight-crush, but that’s besides the point. Even if it never goes romantic, he still seems like he’ll be a great friend to me. The point is that he’s a smoker. He told me he only does about 3 a day, so it could be a lot worse. But, regardless, smoke is still smoke. I’ve had a highly adverse attitude to smoking for as long as I can remember, partially because of how it’s a key sign of falling for peer pressure, partially because of all the health-risks it imposes (I do actually wander if I have some milder form of asthma, given how easily I get out of breath when I attempt to run or jog, but I’ve never been diagnosed or anything. I also can’t help but think that it can’t taste all that good to kiss someone who smokes. Perhaps that’s something that could be resolved with a good tooth-brushing, but if it tastes as bad as it smells, I’m not all too sure. All that being said, I did still fancy this guy, despite knowing he smoked. He was friendly and charming and, in my eyes at least, a very good looking fellow. So, I do question if smoking should be something I put to one side when looking for guys. Therefore, I ask, what should I do if I come across another man I fancy and they also turn out to be a smoker? Do I favour my metaphorical heart, or the one that pumps blood around my body? Or, maybe something in-between? I guess this is the curse of being attracted to rounder guys. They might be better for rubbing and snuggling up against, but they’re rarely the result of a healthy lifestyle. Hugs, Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, Since this fellow is straight then there is no issue about kissing, and since he only smokes three fags a day, I'm sure you can hang out once in a while and avoid the smoke. Put that one aside. Yes, smoking is a bad habit and I, too, avoid smokers. My parents were horrible smokers. I would come home from school and there would be fog banks of smoke in the house and the walls turned yellow with tar. I am convinced, too, that this was the source of all the earaches and infections I got as a child, which eventually led to a burst abscess in my ear and partial deafness. I despise smoking, especially cigarettes. I do admit, though, that I love the smell of a good pipe. It's weird that I find pipes sexy and attractive, but cigarettes make me retch. And it's not just the mouth of the smoker that is affected. Most smokers' clothes also smell of smoke, as do their homes. So, yeah, blech. I wouldn't necessarily call smoking a moral failure, however. My mother started smoking after she gave birth to my sister and gained weight. This was back in 1962, and her doctor recommended she take up smoking to lose weight. There are still people today who smoke as a way to keep from eating too much. Also, cigarette companies fill the tobacco with nicotine to deliberately get people addicted, so there's that. As for older guys with tummies being unhealthy.... Hehe, well, when you get a bit older and your metabolism slows down it becomes more and more difficult to keep yourself thin. Back when I was in my twenties I could eat about anything and my weight was 140 lbs (63 kg). Today, I give a sideways glance at a brownie and gain three pounds. It is even harder for women than men to lose weight because of their physiology being designed to maintain fat to sustain producing children. Another thing, too, can be medications. My fiance is overweight because the medications he takes for various problems stemming from his military service cause him to gain and maintain pounds. There are a number of drugs out there that do this, and you can't do much about it if you have to take the medicine to survive. So lets' not be too judgmental, shall we? As for falling in love with a chubby smoker.... Fall in love with the person, not the appearance, when it comes to weight. Habits are a different matter. Sometimes, if you fall in love with someone who, say, smokes, you can convince them to stop and help them to do so. (BTW, furs, vaping is bad for you, too; don't be fooled.) Same with more difficult things such as alcohol and illicit drugs. It can be a tough row to hoe, though, and you really have to love them deeply to commit to that kind of stress. If you are just meeting someone like that for the first time it might be best to say, "Thanks, but no thanks." Take it on a case-by-case basis. There is no catch-all answer that applies to everyone. Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Papa Bear,
Hello! My name is Coffee, and I am in my first relationship. I don't really know if it is a very official relationship. It was a bit sudden. It started when in a discord vc we got married as a joke and it was all fun and stuff. The day after he asked me if I would like to go on a date and date him. I had never really dated anyone before, I mean you could count kindergarten dates but I don't, and so I was pretty stunned that this would happen. He's a nice guy and he cares about me, but I don't know. I'm not sure if I like him as much or in the same way he likes me. The guy, let's call him Jake, I think likes me quite a bit. The problem is we live quite far apart. We have 13 hours between us, and so it can be a bit difficult keeping up with each other. This is not to say we haven't tried like working it out I guess, we had our date (we went on a movie night) and are planning to go on another one. However I don't whether this is fair for him, or I guess myself. He deserves being with someone that cares about him as much as he cares about them, and I guess I do too, which I think is a bit selfish. I'm not sure what to do. I kind of want to break up with him because I'm not as into the relationship as I would want to be, but I really don't know how to go about it. Do I vc him? Text him? I feel like it would be best to do it over vc but I don't know if I'm up to it. If I was given more time with him to really get to know him maybe I'd like him more but IDK. I apologize for this brain dump, I realize it might be all over the place but that's just how my mind is working through this problem right now. Coffee (age 17) ... Dear Papabear, I submitted a question about my relationship situation around a week ago and I wanted to remind you of it. I also wanted to tell you of some recent developments! I got some advice from a friend of mine that the next time my boyfriend (?) (I forgot what I called him in the last letter so I'll call him Wolfie) and I had a date that I should see how I feel after the date and break it to him. I'm grateful for her advice, and I trusted that she had my best intentions in mind. We have been friends for a couple of years now and we've helped each other through some hard times. Well, Wolfie and I were having a doodling date that night, so I made myself some coffee and put a little liquid courage in it before heading up and getting on VC. 40 minutes into the date he started kinda asking questions, and I told him how I felt. It might have been the extra ingredient in my coffee or my guilt but what I had struggled to tell him in previous conversations just spilled out. He understood where I was coming from and, albeit close to tears, told me that it was alright and that he would be willing to wait for as long as I needed. I thought, and still think, that Wolfie has a heart of gold and everything and that he loves me, but I guess this is the same problem as the one you discussed in your latest "He Wants to Hear I Love You Back" letter, but in the opposite person's view. I haven't felt a spark and we haven't spent much time together, and so I'm really not sure how to go about this. I've only ever had 2 crushes in my life, both of which were because the guy was extremely cute/handsome and neither of which were romantic. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I explained to Wolfie that I felt guilty in keeping him from finding someone who loved him like he loves me, but he insisted that he could be patient. I hadn't really thought about it, but this new development has kinda made me question my romantic orientation. Am I demi? Am I aro? I've tried to read up on the romantic spectrum, and a lot of the aromantic stuff says that aromantics don't have an instinctual want for a romantic relationship, so I don't think I'm aro because I still feel the need to be held and still have some want for a relationship maybe way down the line. But at the same time, I'm not sure if I'm demi simply because my thoughts around relationships always were centered around the question of sexuality, and not so much romanticism. I hope that this information will maybe help you keep a clearer picture of my situation. Yours Truly, Coffee * * * Dear Coffee, You're overthinking this with regard to your sexual/romantic orientation. The reason you're having a hard time connecting romantically to Wolfie/Jake is simple: distance. You are 13 hours apart, right? Your relationship is mostly via the phone and the computer. This is a fairly new development in human relationships, so there is still much debate on social media and among sociologists and psychologists as to how feasible and practical LDRs really are. If you want Papabear's opinion, a relationship with little or no physical contact is lacking an essential ingredient that will leave both parties wanting. They simply are not satisfying. Is it possible that, in the future, the two of you will be living in close proximity? If not, my opinion is that you are better off just being friends and that, in addition, this has no relevance to your romantic orientation. That is something you can only figure out when you've had a couple relationships of a physical nature (not meaning sex necessarily, but human beings need touch, hugs, kisses). If you do plan on living near each other or even with each other at some point, then have patience until that comes along and perhaps don't break it off just yet. Young people are always in such a hurry to make decisions about their lives that really should not be rushed into. You have time. Hope this helps. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
It’s been quite a while since I wrote my first letter, and I never properly thanked you what you’d written me. So, Thank you very much! Your kind words helped me decide to really buckle down. In the year to come, I have chosen to focus my career and school involvement on film. I’m truly excited to see what the future holds for me. This letter is also focused on the future, or rather, my future with someone. At the start of this year I met a fantastic guy at a furry con. Something struck me about him and inspired me to reach out to him after the convention. The two of us have been talking with each other daily since then, and have met up several times at conventions through the year. On a deeper level we’ve both helped each other through difficult times this past year, the loss of his father, and the animosity I perceived from certain friends. Even more recently we spent a fantastic weekend together; exploring towns, attending a furry pool party, and more. During that weekend I asked him what he would call us. He expressed that he felt we were very close friends, and followed by asking me if what I felt for him was love. While holding him in my arms, I told him yes. It takes me a while to fall in love, He told me the same about himself. He comes from a very strict background and opening up is hard for him. But he wants to open up to me, and he even gave me tips on how to help him with it. I know that I love him, and knows it too. At every turn he has shown me that it’s okay, and that he truly appreciates my affection. But, he also expressed that he has yet to feel a spark, and seems to genuinely want to. I want this to be his decision, I don’t want to convince him. I guess my question is, Is it okay to want things? At the close of my last relationship, I asked myself the same question. I keep getting close to why I feel it’s not okay for me to want things; I fear that my selfishness will hurt someone. That if it’s meant to be it will be, and if it’s not…. It still hurts. I wanted this to be a shorter or a simpler problem than last time.… Anything you think may help will always be appreciated. Sincerely, Rillee Satranack * * * Dear Rillee, Glad to hear that you have some exciting things going on in your life. Is it okay to want things? Yes and no. On one paw, everyone has wants and desires in life, and feeling guilty about that because you somehow feel selfish or unworthy is something that many misguided people endure. Let's rephrase your question: Are you worthy of love and happiness? Absolutely, you are. It is not selfish to want to be happy and to have people in our lives to love. Where we get into problems is when we have clingy, needy, codependent love. Love can be demanding and selfish and one-way. These are unhealthy expressions of love that are often born of low self-esteem and usually end up destroying relationships. In your case, no, I don't think you are being selfish, clingy, or unreasonable. You are approaching this with caution and creating communication with your love interest that is open and honest. Wonderful! Great job! The question now becomes: Will he love you back? There's no way I can answer for him, of course. Clearly, he has affection for you, so that is a solid start. Also, the best and most dependable love relationships begin with good friendships. Blessed are they who find love with their best friends! My advice to you in this case is just take it slowly. Keep the communication open; keep doing things with him and share good times. Don't push him or nag him to answer the question, "Do you love me back?" For some reason, he might not be ready for that just yet, but that doesn't mean he won't ever be. This will sound very open-ended and inconclusive, but just enjoy what you have now and see where it goes. Live in the moment. It's fine to let him know what you are feeling, but don't press him. When the moment is right and he decides, he will tell you. Love is a marathon, not a sprint. Blessed Be, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I feel absolutely destroyed and need advise from someone outside of my own personal friend circle who can offer insight on my predicament. I was in a relationship and engaged to a wonderful dragon. We rarely argued and when we did we were always able to overcome with patience and compromise. it took a lot of work and effort to get to our level of love/trust and I really thought we were going to make it for the long haul. That's why it was so surprising and painful when it all started slipping. I tried literally everything I could do to save us, but he stopped helping. He started spending all his time on telegram and twitter and started caring much more about his looks and his friends... and the whole time he said he was the bad guy and I was doing nothing wrong when i pointed out how it was hurting the relationship. He stopped talking to me. I don't understand what happened. He was never very sexually driven. I knew he was Pan sexual and could have a desire for men, but we were open. He could RP online or go play with someone if he wanted I just wanted to keep the love and he agreed. He used to tell me that "This is the best relationship I've ever been in" and "you still give me butterflies". Everything came down in the span of a month. It went from so serene, tender and loving to "I have no love left for you" so quickly. Even worse he says I did nothing wrong. He leaped from loving fiance to I'm only into men and want to uproot my entire life in a Flash. He said he felt guilty so why didn't he try to save us? Why did he totally stone wall me when I was trying to figure out what had happened? Why didn't he mourn or come to me sooner when he started feeling bad? So many whys. Its been a couple of months now and I'm still so torn up inside. I feel like it didn't matter that I gave him literally everything I had and that I was willing to give the rest of my life to him. It didn't matter that I was patent, loving, flexible, always there when he needed me, and so many other things I thought he deserved out of the relationship... How are you supposed to move on and build up after giving so much? How do I keep it from happening again.. because it felt like a big part of the break up was... because I'm not male. And why do I still love him and want to be with him even after all of this pain and after hes made it abundantly clear that he had nothing for me? I'm sure time is an answer to this... but I sure would like to feel like I will survive this instead of death by great bleeding heart. Advise on the short term healing or maybe recommendations on long term relationships for next time? Broken Hearted Blue (age 26) * * * Dear Broken Hearted, I'm sorry you are going through this. I might be able to give you some insight into this because I am familiar with what I think is his side of it from a personal level. Not sure if you read much of my bio in this column over the years, but I was married to a lovely woman for 22 years. I went into the marriage honestly believing I was straight, but when I was forty I figured out I wasn't (long story short, I had a sheltered childhood and though all gay men were effeminate, which didn't appeal to me, but later I discovered the bear community and instantly identified with it). Anyway, after four long years trying to deny it to myself and to her, I came out to her. We both cried and, of course, this led to her divorcing me. The good news is that we remain friends and I still have a lot of love for her, but we could never be married again. It might be that your dragon experienced something similar, only that he initially felt he was pansexual and later it dawned on him that he was only into men. Such revelations can come over time, or they can come quite abruptly, as seems to have happened with him. Now, this only has to do with sexuality. There's a difference, as you know, between sexuality and love. What rather disturbs me about what he said to you (if I am understanding this correctly) is that not only does he no longer have a sexual interest in you, but he also no longer loves you. If, to him, sex is the same as love, then that speaks poorly of this young man. If, on the other hand, he is saying "I don't love you anymore" as a way of, perhaps, breaking things off more cleanly and permanently so as not to lead you on in any way, then that is still a rather cruel thing to do, but a little more understandable. Either way, he has hurt you, and to be that cold to someone you professed to love is a dark path to walk. It makes me not like him very much, but then I don't have to. Answering your questions: 1) Yes, you will survive this. You are 26. Every young person goes through heartbreak at one time or another. It is part of life and part of learning about relationships. Learn from the experience and take your new wisdom into the next relationship you have, but also don't sell the good memories short; it's okay to have fond memories of someone you are no longer with—good memories can make us stronger just as surviving bad ones can. 2) On the short term, the best thing for you to do is spend a little time focusing on you as an individual and not as half of a relationship. Remember, what happened (and he said this himself!) is not because of something wrong with you but, rather, something amiss with him. Spend the next few months contemplating who you are as a person, what you want out of life, and how to achieve it. Do this in terms of only yourself and not as a partner or spouse. 3) In the long term, it will help immensely if you become—from this experience and its aftermath—someone who knows who they are and what they want out of life; someone who is self-assured and confident in themselves; someone who has love in their heart but is not codependent or seeking a codependent relationship just to get by. Such people are immensely attractive. It's the ones who reek of desperation or neediness that chase potential suitors away. Then, as this confident person (not arrogant, confident), you will be much more likely to find someone who is better mate material. No guarantees, but that's life! Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I honestly never told anyone this and I feel you want understand unless you know the whole story. I went to college out of state for a year then transferred back due to a family emergency (which is solved now, yay!). Please bear (no puns? ok..) with me this is a quite a story. Every freshmen who with a certain scholarship had to participate in certain event, when its complete they scan your student ID and you're marked for going. The very first event was "Meet the Greeks" In all honesty I was dreading for it to be over before it started (don't get me wrong at the prior to the event I thought Greek great. I just knew that me being in one is almost lying to myself). When we walked down stairs to the basement I saw they guys, they looked exactly how I thought they would, except one (yes, its one of those ridiculous cute guy moments, and I'm honestly cringing and feeling mixed emotions while I type his description) dark blue cap with a white outline, deep blue shirt, dark blue track pants, and red running shoes (Now that I think about it, just from his description he sounds like a douche or is it just me?) like myself you can tell he didn't want to be there, they where possibly giving introductions or a name call I don't know I was admiring this tall cutie until he looked at me. Know me I my have glared at him for a brief moment crossed my arms then turned my attention to the door to the kitchen. Although when I decided to look at him again and he was still looking at me (I was really surprised because usually when I do that most guys look away in a instant)that caused my glare to harden a bit and look farther down the room (not to intimidate him mostly angry at myself for getting caught) I bite my lower lip slightly as punishment but not to hard. Once everyone started to move I go towards the opposite direction everyone else went, by that time I already meet two of the guys prior to the event (because they were at our dorm event hosted outside where the residents HAD to go and meet the other residents and also eat free ice cream and I talked to them a bit. They were there for recruitment) I talked to them until all three couches were free, so I took a seat waiting for it to be over. When I scanned the room I was looking at the cute guy talking to other cute guys all I think was 'I'm sure he could get with anyone of them' looked away and just sighed rubbed my face a bit, I would be on my phone but no phones were allowed during the event. So I just sat there chew on my bottom lip tapping my foot thinking about how I may never be able to see him again, let along talk to him while looking at him talk to other guys. Then curse my luck he sat down across from me and spoke (I have no people skills or know how to have a conversation with anyone) even though I can't relate to most people and judging from what I've been watching laughing for the first time (which is important to remember). Fast forwarding I rushed the house and pledge and got to know him better and I'm starting to like him more (Have I mention I've never dated anyone? Also I've only liked 3 people total even now) so one day I got tipsy for the first time (fun fact I speak my mind at that stage) had over 8 or 9 Jell-O shots that night, he was showing me video clips of him playing soccer in high school he was the goalie (a damn good one at that) and I was over flattering him (my first time flirting with someone.. EVER) then later that night he asked was I flirting and said he was scared (he was laughing and started to cover himself I find that really fun when I think about it) of course I said no and left. Later down the like we became what I thought friends, when he got drunk I made sure he was not doing anything to hurt himself (the other guys told me that he's an adult but I tired anyway) when he got a concussion I'd tell him if he need anything let me know, I became a parent in other words I thought if I couldn't be with him then I least want to be a good friend (I didn't have those either, I also spend almost EVERYDAY in his room watching him play video games while I commentate he really enjoyed that). Wanting to distance myself from him because he was pretty much getting laid every night and I just decided to give up and use that time to get back in my hobby, photography, so I wanted to be the first person photographer of the Quidditch team my friend Joey was the caption and I asked him and was granted approval. Not know what the sport was he invited me to go to the first practice of the season and aslo about the tournament coming soon, I was excited until he told me the roster (Yup, he was on the team too) I couldn't just back down, he was really happy when I asked. When practice day came he was a clown, at that point he picked up on my speech pattern (also he didn't know what juke was is football until I told him) he would ask me how was that juke every time laughing , I was having fun but wanted to do this to get away not sucked in more. After practice he asked me to come to his room and watch him play a game I never seen before (I was a bit shocked he knew curiosity was my weakness). Tournament day arrived, we had to stay at a hotel there was 4 girls and 4 boys, which means we had to share a bed (oh boy..) and when that time came it was a vote who shares a bed with who and Joey and my other Greek brother called each other name so fast I didn't take a breath which means we share a bed (why me, that's all I thought. At that time I wanted to detach those feelings but the thought of sharing a bed didn't help!). The three of them decided to go somewhere and I wanted to stay, so when they left I went to bed, I woke up and felt wind on my forehead I realized it was him so I turned my back towards him and fell back asleep (That's what I know, but later in the future he told me he was laying on top of me..). Fast forwarding a bit I was trying to accept my feelings but not act on (at this point he SHOWED me what the game red light was. If you don't know its where your opponent puts his hand on your knee and he will go up slowly and will stop when you say red light. I always told him to keep going at your own risk and no he never touched it. But he was close, he was just on the wrong knee, thank goodness. Also, he's been getting VERY noticeable boners, I try not to look but with that size how could I not..) Then I later find out a good friend of mine told me she liked him (that hurt me honesty but what really hurts was when they dated). I was happy about it because she was a sweet girl and she deserved someone like him (I decided to official let these feelings go for good so they can be happy), but there was a slight problem, she was abstinent and he had sex almost every week. He never cheated on her it just made her nervous when she was alone with him and he wanted to "watch a movie" she would come to my room and ask me to join for that reason and I did, I just felt uncomfortable and a bit upset. She was leaning on his chest with her legs on the futon and he sat there stroking her arm then his hand eventually ended on rubbing her butt, not wanting to sit through it I said I had an early class tomorrow (The only think that made it uncomfortable and upset was just being the third-wheel which always happens to me in any situation). During that time she was always in there and the rate of him calling me in there declined quite a bit but he still did (I forgot to mention, we lived on the second floor and he is the first door on the left, across is the bathroom. My room is on the right and four rooms down from his including the bathroom and the water fountain was on the right. And every time he called me I was passing by his door he always singed my name lol). Eventually they broke up and it impacted her heavily and he seemed a bit off about it, he never wanted to talk to me about it (maybe because I was friends with her, but I was honestly sad I thought they were cute together) but I could tell something was off. One night he go drunk (I was staying away from drinks at the time) and he showed that it really affected him, he didn't cry he play a brake up country song and was sing and talking to me. Fast forwarding a bit I was in the process of reminding myself that "He's is pretty much the only real friend I had and I should be thankful for that" (The other people who I said were good friends are but I spent EVERYDAY with this guy so its bound to be different then theirs) at this time I was in the Theater club because on the same night I got drunk and failed flirted with him I ended up agreeing to join the Theater club. I met another nice friend that night, her name is Sage, and so since I had the thought of him being just a friend I started hanging out with her everyday instead of him (I'm honestly cruel for this, I already knew she was emotionally unstable so I just attached myself to someone I knew I could waste my time with.. But I did want to help her overcome all those problem and she did eventually). Though I started to notice changes with him, it start with him would call me to his room to watch him with his regular honest enthusiasm and I tell him I'm going to hangout with Sage and he asked are we going to do it and I'll say no and leave, then really changed when he would call me and ask to watch and I stand there and watch and he ask me to sit down and I'll tell him I'm going with Sage then he would fall silent then when I leave and as I'm walking down the stairs he slams his door (and I mean SLAMS his door, I wanted to check on him but I'd think to myself "I am not his boyfriend" and continue walking, then every time I come back his door would be open and he would watch me walk by (I was getting ready to read an update on my favorite vn's) and once I reach my door his door slams shut, I'd sigh and think that thought again. Guys around the house would be shock to see me somewhere else around the house, it became a theme that if you want to find me go to his room, but eventually I decided to hangout it him. I go in and sit down next to him and ask him what is he playing when it was clearly Madden he told me and he asked me "Not going to Sage?" I can tell he was grumpy and he started raging at the game and I started to chuckle to myself while covering my mouth, he asked me was I laughing and I said with a bit of sarcasm "What? No.." and he started to laugh a bit and said "You can laugh" or "I don't mind you laughing". Fast forwarding a bit and at this point he's yell or ask me "Lets fuck" so many times the whole house knows, one time he asked me calmly and I said no and he asked why not, I don't really remember my response or if I just chuckled and lean on my hand but he did give a quick glance. I've also notice him looking at me from the corner of his eye once (oh and the constant boners never stopped, although the amount of girls he slept with almost to nearly stopped). At that point I finally just accepted the thought of him as a friend (at this point we returned from winter break and I spent it with Sage), but one day I just wanted a break from everyone and I wanted to focus on classes, until a brother asked me can he talked to me and asked did I know why he called me in there and I said yes (That whole week everyone I knew was asking me was I mad at Sage and I'll say no) but that wasn't it. He said there is a rumor that a brother and pledge had sex (Pause. Now bare with me because this may get hairy. The only people in the house who hangout with each other everyday at that point was Group A: How had an openly gay member but he was never here, and there was me and Justin who hangout everyday. And two days prior to this, the same brother questioning me told me before I arrive he said "I want to fuck" and when up stairs and called my name. Then the day before this talk he said what I'm guessing a very lewd comment while going to his room I didn't hear what was said but everyone just looked and me wide eyed and gapped mouths, I asked what he say and they told me it was nothing). I was shocked and asked who was it and he said he didn't know (He only questioned me and another pledge and he left his door open when he asked him but not with me. He stopped the comments after that but we still hung out). Later he got a girlfriend who he is still with to this day (I was only shocked that they got together so fast) I was a bit happy for him even if he completely shut me out. He was either at her dorm or he was in his with the door closed all day everyday (I felt abandoned, like I was easily forgotten about. Before he go with her he would send me snaps on snapchat, we had a 6 day streak, if you don't know we messaged every single day. When he got with her it just stopped), though one day he crossed my line. One night his girlfriend was storming out saying good night like she was fine, being a good sport I went after her to make sure he was fine but she started crying. Long story short they had an argument and he has a concussion and she asked me could I watch him since I'm the only one he can trust (that was a fact, he trust no one with his credit card but one day he asked me to get something for him). I go to check on him and his door is closed and lock (of course) I text his phone and sent a message on snapchat I asked "where are you?", he replied to the snapchat he said "outside" I run out side and looked around, then ran out back and see his truck gone I hear tire screeches and run to the front and see him driving off fast. I called him and it went right to voicemail after the second ring, I text him (all the text are on snapcaht) to come back and he said no. I texted at least pick me up (I can drive but I have no license, that way I'm not worried about him having an accident) he said he wants be alone, I told him that he can talk to me about it, that's what friends are for. He read it but didn't respond I wait a bit and send "Right" it was on send then he opened it and didn't reply (Ok, I have a history why I don't have friends. In all my school years, all the people who I thought my friends told me that we were never friends this includes high school. I did their homework for them, I've been abused in way that put me in the hospital and if I told anyone those students would be expelled. I may not sound like anything but I've been scared literally and mentally and used, I took all this pain just for one single friend, but in the end I'm told I in my face we were never friends. I swore on my name that as long as I hold a breath in my body it will never happen again. And I not one to break a promise, especially one to myself) I send "Right?" again, he didn't open it for 2 mins then he replied asking me to tell another brother that he is ok (All the emotions that I felt just stopped) I'm just staring at the message trying to comprehend it, then he sends question marks 'Did he just...ignore me...?' that's all I could think then he message me again saying he's messaging him now. I replied "Tell him yourself" he sent more question marks I could bring myself to reply then me message me saying bright lights hurt his eyes and he can't read the messages, I told him to come back before he has an accident and he just read the message and didn't reply (All I could think was him just ignoring me asking are we friends but he can reply to other people and just ignore me.). Later that night he said his girlfriend convinced him to come back, when he go back I texted him should I check on him (I was emotionless, and my heart rate went up) and replied no but thanks. It took two or three days later I had a mental breakdown. I avoided him, ignored him and gave him the cold shoulder for a while, every time someone ask me about him I'd say "Why are you asking me?" (It really hurt, I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at my self for jumping to conclusions like that. When I thought about it we never really talked about anything and there were other brothers he just had a great conversation with while I was just sitting there. I came to the conclusion that he just thought of me as temporary entertainment until he have one of his friends to come by). Fast forwarding to summer break, I had a someone who was going to take me to the train station, as I went around and said goodbye he was my last stop, even though he was on the phone so I just playfully punched his arm and left. The I transferred. Current date, lately we've been having conversations like we use to (on snapchat), I can tell he would message me when he was with her or without her and he replied fast (one day he wanted to make a bet that he will find me. I said $15, then he said "$10 and a really good massage. I just send lol but he asked "deal?" and I just said "Fine deal lol"). Until yesterday, he asked "why no picture?" (he's been snapping pics the whole time and sometime text) I send one of me looking confused with the caption "I don't know..." and then after he reads it he sends "I almost forgot what you look like" with two laughing emoji's. Then he just started to message slow, like 5 hours later slow. Week before his sudden message I've been trying to look for a date lately but I fail every time they see how I look.. Now I'm starting to get a bit depressed because I thought he remembered how I looked and just didn't mind messaging me but now.. Papabear I want to know what do you think of all this? Was I overreacting or did I have any right to feel that way? Please give me you brutality honest opinion, I can handle it I just don't like being deceived. Mark (age 19) * * * Dear Mark, My opinion is that this guy, Justin, is conflicted about his sexuality and is not handling it well. His mixed-up emotions are then expressed inappropriately by treating friends badly and insensitively. I don't think you've done anything wrong here; indeed, you're remarkably restrained. I think he needs to get his head together before he can have a healthy relationship of any kind. I don't think he's trying to deceive you so much as he is deceiving himself (lots of sex with women is overcompensating to hide his homosexual feelings). The fact that you've been abused by others in the past (so sorry to hear), makes you vulnerable to misinterpreting his intentions. So, what to do? The first step is to recognize that Justin is confused and conflicted and that he is not thinking clearly. The second thing is to not take this as an invitation to lecture him or try to correct his behavior. He has to work it out for himself or with a professional counselor. The third thing to do is make sure you don't have sex with him (sounds like you have not, good). Having sex with someone messed up in the head is not a healthy thing for either of you. Sounds like he needs to spend a little less time on sex, sports, fraternity stuff, and video games and a lot more time actually studying and working on his classes (how are his grades?) Feel free to be supportive and listen to him (just listen, don't offer advice) and keep him out of your pants, of course. Calm down your own libido, too, because it's not helping you or him. Since you're in a different school now, that shouldn't be a problem. As long as you don't see this guy as a potential mate, you should be okay. Also, if this stays on a friendship level, remember that friendships should go both ways. Try this out by asking him to do something (even a very minor thing) for you and see what he says. If he says something like "I don't have time to do that," then you have a pretty good idea that the friendship is bogus, too. Hugs, Papabear Hiya, Papabear.
So, near the beginning of the school year, I developed a crush on this one guy named Jacob. He was a new kid in 8th Grade (so he was about a year older than me) and he hadn't heard about any of the rumors that had been circling around me at the time. He looked pretty good, too. He's pretty much the only gay guy in school, besides me. Except he was open about it. Like, a lot. Skipping ahead a week or so, word got out that I had affections for him (thanks to my "friends"). Now the whole school was laughing at me for two reasons: 1: Because they found out that I'm gay, 2: And because they knew I had a crush on Jacob. Like I didn't have enough to worry about. Jacob found out, too. On the other hand, he gave me his Snapchat through an e-mail, now knowing the feelings I had for him. He told me that he's had quite a rough history, and that, despite his good looks, he's never met anyone who's had a crush on him. So, yeah. Enough of the past's happenings, let's get to the present's problem. Despite us talking together on Snapchat, finding out we both like each other and such, there is one slight problem... I haven't the strength to interact with him (or talk to him, for that matter) face-to-face. I want to, but every time I get near him, I run away for no apparent reason. I think it's because I'm afraid that things might not go so well, that things might become awkward if I go and talk to him. But how am I going to overcome this fear of mine? How do I successfully converse with him? How do I avoid/resolve awkward moments or conversations? And once I get past that, any date ideas or activities (other than the obvious restaurant/movie option) that you'd like to suggest? Thanks in advance. mon~ * * * Dear mon~, One reason social media such as Snapchat are so popular is that they afford us a way to communicate with others through a kind of mask (screen names, fursonas, avatars) that makes us feel less vulnerable, less exposed. That goes a long way toward alleviating shyness and social anxiety. But when you face Jacob in person, all that shyness kicks in again because there is nothing between you and him except air. Like all fears people experience, the best way to overcome them is to do so in small, incremental steps. In this way, you retrain yourself to replace a bad or undesirable behavior with a good, desirable one. In your case, you need to combine the desired goal of interacting with Jacob in person with the security of maintaining that wall—at least in the beginning. Interestingly, there was an episode of The Big Bang Theory that dealt with this very topic. The character Raj was dating a woman with crippling social anxiety. His solution was to set up a date with her in a library (quiet), sit across from her at a table with some food in a kind of picnic, but talk to her over the phone using texting. You could try something similar with a “text date” in which the two of you meet somewhere that is a comfortable atmosphere and talk by texting. As you continue to text, the cool part of this is that you can see his reactions in real life, such as if he smiles or laughs at something you say. This will begin to break down that wall that you have erected, block by block, until you start to feel comfortable actually verbalizing the communication. Give that a shot, and see how it goes. Hugs, Papabear Hey Papa Bear.
I have had a great relationship for 4 years with my boyfriend. We shared everything. We watched things together. We also like furrys. We even planned to go live together. However. A month ago he decided to dump me. I have lots of support from my friends. But I am still so lonely and scared. Especially at night. I fear and dislike being alone. I have no one to call. No one calling me. I believe in true love. In staying with a special someone for the rest of your life. But maybe I am being naive. So my question is this:
Thank you very much Papabear! Just typing this has helped a little. Anonymous in Belgium * * * Dear Furiend, I'm so sorry for your break up. Did your former boyfriend ever give you an explanation why he left you? Understanding this would go a long way toward taking the next step in your life. I understand feeling lonely and scared. When my husband died in 2015, I was alone for quite some time, but then Michael came into my life. He was already a friend when my husband was still alive (actually, my piano teacher), and about a year and a half after Jim's death, Michael decided to divorce his husband and move in with me. But that wasn't the first time I was alone. The first time was when my wife divorced me (long story from a time when I didn't realize I was gay) and I had to get by on my own. I don't really like being alone, either. After Jim died, I kept the TV on all the time, even when I wasn't watching it, because I hated the silence. The other thing to do is to try and be with people as much as possible. Socialize, visit family, even invite friends to your home for a sleepover. Anything to not be alone. That said, don't discount the value of occasionally being by yourself for a little quiet reflection. But don't be afraid to ask people to visit you. Keep the door open. Meeting furries is pretty easy. I mean, you must know about social media, and there are all kinds of places to chat online. To get some in-furson experience, if you haven't already done so, go visit your furry friends at the Belgian furcon Flüüfff in Blankenberg @FlüüfffCon. Always a great way to have fun, going to a convention. There is also a bimonthly furmeet in Liège https://www.ouftimeet.be/ if you can travel there. Now, about meeting someone special. Here, I can only speak in generalities. First of all, be genuine. Don't try to win someone over by being what you are not, because if you try to impress someone with falsehoods or change yourself to accommodate them, you can't keep it up forever. Secondly, always be kind and considerate of other people. Third, don't allow yourself to be used by other people because you are desperate not to be alone. If you keep those things in mind, eventually, real love will appear. Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear:
I am not sure if you remember me. I wrote to you previously in regards to my issues with depression and self harm and suicide. And thank you, by the way, for answering me so thoroughly. It really meant a lot. Apologies in advance if my letter is at all poorly worded. I am very tired as I write this. But I will do my best to communicate my thoughts. One thing I mentioned in my previous letter was that I do not often express my emotions to others. This is due to my severe trust issues that sourced from crucial moments in my past. Today I would like to talk about this a bit. To put it as simply as possible, my relationship with my parents as a child did not encourage emotional expression. If anything, it punished it. As such, I often feel very alone. Starved for attention, even. However, I find it very difficult to accept the sympathy of others. I think that I would like to be loved, but I would be too uncomfortable to suddenly receive it after such a long time without. My thoughts are a bit too jumbled to put into words at the moment. But I think I am afraid of love. Somehow. It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? But it's true. Love and being loved are the two most terrifying concepts for me. I guard my emotions so fiercely. It is frightening to imagine allowing someone to know you so personally that way. Having them dedicate a part of their lives to you, and yours to them. If ever I find myself caring deeply about someone, I push them away. Because I cannot handle emotional intimacy. And because I do not want to drag them down with me. Considering my current mental health state. I want to protect them from myself, and myself from the inevitable emotional intimacy. Another part of me has become complacent with my own isolation. Which I do not believe is healthy. Most of the time I eschew personal subjects in conversation and avoid talking about my true emotions. This has all become very natural to me now. To refrain from expressing the emotions I view as weaknesses and disregard them entirely. To be untrusting in order to protect myself. If ever I make a mistake and spill my sorrows to someone, I later become wracked with regret. Wishing I had just kept my mouth shut. So, as I'm sure you can imagine, that intimacy I mentioned earlier is almost nightmarish to me. And yet a part of me craves it. Despite the major negative effect it seems to have on me. From here stems my confusion. I can assume that I am drawn to emotional intimacy due to the lack of it in my childhood. But as a result of that same lack of support I received, emotional intimacy makes me very uncomfortable. It is confusing and saddening to me. That I am somehow unable to accept something that I need most. Truth be told, I think I'm an irredeemable pathetic excuse for a human being. And I don't even think that I deserve to be loved. But love and support seem to be two necessary factors for lessening my suicidal depression. Both of which I am severely lacking. So I am not sure what to do. At all. I do not exactly have any specific question for you, but rather a request for advice. I'm not sure where to begin. Any wisdom you may have would be very welcome. Thanks. Cobalt * * * Dear Cobalt, (Sorry this is late, hon) What you are experiencing is a direct result of the fact that your parents were emotionally distant from you. It is in our infancy and childhood that we develop our ability to bond with others by first bonding with our caregivers (usually parents). When that is not provided for any reason, it is like not being exposed to a language as a child, making it extremely difficult to learn to speak to others as an adult. Once our brains have stopped growing and establishing their synaptic connections, then we are kind of set in our ways, so to speak. Extreme forms of emotional disconnection stemming from childhood are called Reactive Attachment Disorders. This does NOT make you an "irredeemable pathetic excuse for a human being." It makes you a damaged person, but it is NOT your fault any more than it is the fault of someone who lost a leg in an accident or who is blind or deaf. You were not only, apparently, deprived of emotional connections as a child but, indeed, punished for being emotional. Naturally love and friendship and other forms of intimacy freak you out now! You were never taught how to be emotional and how to bond to other human beings. Are you doomed to be like this forever? Well, while it will be a struggle for you, I do believe you can regain some of the emotional attachments and trust that you have lost. The first thing you have to do is rediscover joy in your life. Pursue any little things that bring you happiness, such as music, movies, games, connecting to Nature, adopting a puppy or kitten. In fact, that last one would be a very good thing for you. Although I like kitties, I would recommend a puppy. They form such loving, trusting bonds to their owners that some of that love is bound to rub off on you. You will learn to love the puppy, and that will help reestablish an emotional education for you. Second, if you can, seek out some counseling. Now that you know what you are dealing with, you can seek some guidance in leading you back to an emotional life. Please note that expressing emotions is not a sign of weakness or unmanliness or anything like that. It is the confident person who is unafraid to show how they feel. Third, start keeping a personal journal. In your journal, which you should work on each day, write down what happened to you on that day and then try to express how you felt about each experience. This will help you identify emotions and what triggers them. You see, what we are trying to do here is to reestablish the broken synaptic connections in your mind that, over time, will make it easier and easier to feel again and to recognize what you are feeling. Fourth: exercise. Exercise? What's that got to do with emotions? Nothing about your body works in isolation. Mind and body are one, and a healthy body, a feeling of connection to your body, actually fosters emotional and mental health, as well. Fifth, start putting yourself out there. You are correct that social isolation is not healthy. When you are ready (and don't push yourself), start going out, even if it is by yourself. Go to a baseball game and try to strike up a conversation with a fellow fan; go to a church and say hi to the people sitting in the pews; go to a flea market and talk to the people selling their wares. This way, you can start working on your conversation skills without much worry because, hey, they are just passing acquaintances, so no pressure. Once you start feeling more connected to your emotions again and have worked on the art of conversation a bit, then it's time to look for a more personal interaction. Perhaps it is with a fellow furry, or perhaps someone you meet at a bookstore. Dip your toe in the water, start slowly, and work at your own pace. This will take time, but you can do it. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
It is obvious to me that you write words yourself meaning they are in your own words from the heart. I find that so important and yet so rare. After reading a few of your responses to other individuals' letters, I felt I would value your advice on the situation I'm about to explain to you that I'm currently in. You mentioned often talking about psychotropic drugs which I think your experience in that area gave you an open mind therefore you have unique perspectives that you wouldn't find elsewhere. Which is what I believe I need in order to help me make this important decision soon. [(Real quick, I just ask that you remove my name from this letter. I included it for your knowledge in case you like to calculate numbers and astrology and what not. But I ask that if you post this on your site or elsewhere, kindly remove my name :) thanks so much. OH and just forewarning that I am completely frank in this letter to you. If you don't mind that meaning there is sexual situations I bring up. Just wanted to warn you so you I don't throw you off being so blunt ;) thanks ahead of time)] ... I was born on December 28, 1987 around 7:14pm (I don't trust the time on my birth certificate to be 100% accurate so I just say "roughly"). I was born at C.H.O.M.P. [Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula] in Monterey California, and according to my mom, the doctors thought she was late so they induced contractions to force her body to give birth to me. Though my mom totally disagreed with the doctors, explaining to them that she knew the exact day I was conceived and she still had a good month and a half to go. The doctors quickly won her over because of "paperwork." My mom decided to trust the doctors decision and the next day I was born. So it was always from day one that I was going to be pushed in directions against my will. I was born premature (go figure) as I came out of my mothers belly I was blue and covered in white powder. I wasn't ready to face the world but there I was. Fast forward to the past few years. In 2011, I married the man of my dreams. We both had very promiscuous pasts, and so when we found each other and wanted to settle down was a miracle in and of itself. The past 6 years have been an incredible journey of soul searching with each other. We managed to peel away the layers of indoctrination and survived starting our lives from scratch to rebuild what we know to be true based on our own research and experience rather than trusting men just because they are experts or "we've just always known...". There were many times personally that were extremely emotional and hurtful to me but I fought through them. Now we come to my dilemma which I am needing some sage advice on. The past year, I can't get my husband hard, the times that I do, he goes soft real quick and we never finish. I've always preferred the guy to cum fast as it was an indicator to me that I was doing my job. I could always take care of myself so when it came time to do the dirty, I wanted him to get his. That's my goal. It was never an issue until the past year or so. But I'm a fighter and don't give up easily. so I did some research and tried new things, old things, simple things, lots of things to see what would get him going again. Nothing seemed worked. So the sex just started to dwindle. Which was no real big deal as I prefer him to be satisfied and come quick as opposed to drawn out hours of sweaty itchy skin irritated attempts. So if he wasn't getting off then might as well not do it. No harm no foul. As the intimacy dwindled, our friendship doesn't seem to be affected. We work together from home and our work relationship is far better than our sex life. Which doesn't bother me that much lately since our sex isn't something to get excited over. Frankly, I have always had a connection with a close friend of both of ours. The past two years the sexual tension increased between this guy and I (he was born June 28 1979, a Cancer) and I finally did something I thought I'd never do. The night before thanksgiving, I stopped by his work and had the best quickie of all time. Since then we've done it 3 times. Every day I get more and more this feeling like I'm being held back from living and doing what I want and desire in life. Having tasted something I want more, someone I fit with more, someone who gets turned on by just being around me and vise versa, I'm feeling an urge to end something and move on, but which is it? Am I supposed to end the good feeling that makes me happy? Or end it with the one I promised 6 years ago never to leave? My heart wants something different than my husband wants. But I don't want to make a huge deal out of it. Although I realize I did just commit adultery which makes it a big deal by default. If it's time for me to move on, which I strongly believe it is, which direction am I moving? Thanks for your help :) please don't think of me as a worthless selfish whore cuz I already feel like one and recognize what I did was not generally acceptable. I get it. But I did what I did and even if I hadn't slept with him, I had this feeling of disconnection from my life's desire long before that happened. This just jump started my and probably prematurely induced my decision time. But maybe prematurity is in my blood ;) * * * Dear Writer, While the majority of letters I get here concerning infidelity are still from men, women going astray is on the rise in America, and, according to this article women "cheat" about as much as men do these days. I am not going to judge you--especially since, as a bear who is in an open relationship, I don't have a paw to stand on. Human beings are not as monogamous as some other species (e.g. bird species such as swans and bald eagles mate for life with no problem), and polygamy is a more natural state for us. Usually, the logic I hear is that since males can fertilize more than one woman at a time, it makes sense that they are "unfaithful" and want to have sex with many women, while women can only be pregnant in a linear fashion, so it makes sense they are more monogamous. In the article referenced above, however, women apparently are better at multiple pair bonds than men. So, go figure. Monogamy among Homo sapiens is really more a matter of culture (social pressures, religion) as a normative force than a matter of biology. Don't beat yourself up about that. That said, I'm wondering if you actually gave your husband a fair chance before you ran off for your fling? A couple things might explain his tumescence problem: 1) He might be experiencing health issues that make it difficult to get hard; you don't mention anything, but is it possible? Being flaccid can result from diseases (diabetes, heart trouble, depression, anxiety) and/or the medications used to treat them. 2) You say you want him to cum really fast and if he doesn't then you lose interest. Well, maybe he needs more time. Maybe he wants to enjoy a long time with foreplay to get aroused; maybe he can still get hard, but you're in such a hurry that he feels pressured, leading to anxiety and trouble performing. 3) He might not be getting aroused if you are doing the same things over and over in your attempt to stimulate him. To be blunt, your overtures might be getting boring for him. The solution to this problem is to try new things--new positions, new role playing, new fantasies--to bring back some excitement and novelty to sex. Should one of the above be the problems be the issue, and should you be able to resolve it, would you go back to him? You know, there are more things in life than sex, and if this guy is a great husband and the only issue is sex, you might want to give the relationship more effort before abandoning it. Another possible solution: You mention that you were both very active before you met. Have you talked about mixing it up with a threesome? Group sex? Even possibly a polyamorous relationship? There are many possibilities in this area. I also find the paragraph about your premature birth an interesting, and telling, addition to your letter. I had to pause a moment and think why you included it. It is important how you write, "So it was always from day one that I was going to be pushed in directions against my will. I was born premature (go figure) as I came out of my mothers belly I was blue and covered in white powder. I wasn't ready to face the world but there I was." Then you go into how you were married, etc. I have to think that, for some reason, you felt pushed into getting married and now, in the interest of not feeling controlled by others, you are deliberately sabotaging your marriage by having an affair. Thoughts? You might not want to "make a huge deal out of it," but, sorry, it IS a huge deal because you're talking about a break-up. You need to consider this long and hard (pun intended) before you take the next step. Is sex the only thing important to you, or do you want something more out of life? Is this problem with your husband ONLY about sex, or are other things going on that you're not telling me? Have you even TALKED to him about this problem, or are you just keeping quiet and having sex with this other person? Look before you leap, hon. While you deserve to be happy, be considerate of your husband's feelings, too. If you truly love your husband, don't you think you should consider his feelings more? Doesn't he deserve to know what is going on with you, the woman he loves? I hope this helps clarify some things for you. Hugs, Papabear Hey there.
I've been a follower of your site for a while, and I've just had this issue that's nagged me for quite a while. So, I got into the whole furry culture when I was pretty young, and I remember an author that I got pretty into about when I was finding things out. Kyell Gold. So, he wrote this pretty cool book series, "Aquifiers," which I thought was great and cool and awesome. Too awesome, though. I read the book when I was young and impressionable, and later in my life, I started feeling lackluster because I'd begun comparing myself to this book. I'd begun to wonder if there was something wrong with me, because I hadn't experienced X or Y like the main character in that book did, or if I wasn't going through the same experience as this certain character did, and if that indicated something wrong with me. I get little reminders of that book sometimes. Like a lyric of a song, or a certain picture, or a scene, and I'll think back to all the imagined experiences that I missed out on, and I'll just be so glum and sad. I know it's unhealthy and irrational to compare my IRl life with that of a fictional one, but I just can't help it. My life is fine and okay and, rationally, there's nothing that I should be feeling especially sad about, but I still do. Anyway, my big tiff with this all of this is that I don't feel like I can progress with my life, because I keep having these feelings of shame over these imagined instances that I missed out on. Did I just imprint on this book at too early an age, and I'm just fucked, or should I just try to forget things? You're a good fella. Thanks, Andrew * * * Hi, Andrew, Before I continue, a little more information would be helpful. What, exactly, do you feel you have missed out on? What is there in the book that you envy and wish to achieve? In short, what is the disconnect between what you find in the book and what is going on in your life? Hugs, Papabear * * * Okay, so, the main character both falls in love and realizes his passion for his career his senior year of high school. I know it's this grossly idealized version of real life, but I just feel embarrassed over not having met someone yet, or how I'm still fumbling around over what I want to spend my life doing. I think all of it boils down to younger me, after having read that book and internalizing it, setting myself on this "Perfect Road" to happiness, and the gradual frustration over real life not matching this vision in my head. I wrote you a long while ago and you mentioned this term I hadn't seen before. Weltschmerz. This sort of overall weariness over reality not being comparable to the desired or imagined life. That seems kind of fitting. Anyway, thanks for the reply. This is kind of a weird issue for me to try and find support for. * * * Hi, Andrew, The idea of Weltschmerz still applies, and I'm sorry if my last letter to you didn't have the effect of sinking in. My advice would be the same: the world of novels and movies and television are idealized versions of reality. Even the ones that are about tragedy tend to make that tragedy idealized and even romantic (e.g. Les Miserables), because the people who suffer in them tend to have noble goals and purposes so that even their horrible stories have meaning for their lives and the lives of others. As furries, our hearts often long for worlds where we can become amazing warriors, or lovers, or crime fighters, or simply live in a beautiful fantasy environment of some kind. But we recognize (hopefully) that these things are not real. So it is with even a simple stories of finding love, such as the one you mention by Kyell Gold. Every person's story is unique. Some people find love early on, some later in life. At 51, Papabear has had two and is working on a third: my first love whom I married at the young age of 22, my second whom I met in my 40s, and now this one. One thing about love: it is never too late to find it. As long as your heart is beating, you can find the love of your life. Here is a fun article you might enjoy on that topic. I've said this to others who write to me, too, and not just about love. Many are frustrated about their careers or just not being able to find their bearings in life. One thing that I find true, especially among young Americans, is that they are too damn impatient. They act like it is all over if they haven't achieved their life goals by the time they are 25. Part of this is our materialistic, youth-worshipping culture that lies to us that "we can have it all" in our twenties and that you are a big loser if you haven't yet. Don't you buy it. It's all a lie created by Corporate America to make you buy stuff and enrich the top 1%. They tell you you can only be happy if you have all the latest electronic gizmos, own a great house, get married and have kids and have a huge salary. It is all designed to make you a tool. Don't believe me? What do you do when you feel depressed that you haven't found the love of your life yet? Buy food? Booze? Romantic movies? Seek counseling? Go back to school to earn a fancier degree to get a better job to make you more suited as a mate? Buy nice clothes? All these things buy into the system if you do them for the wrong reasons (keeping up with the Joneses, we used to say). I cannot stress this enough: don't compare your life to other people's lives, and certainly don't compare it to fiction or to the pressures of a neurotic society. What is important in life is not money or things or even having a true love. What is important is becoming a self-actualized and enlightened being who knows who and what he/she is and who is a caring individual. These are the only things worth striving for. All else is vanity. That said, I certainly do not dismiss our inherent need to be loved and to love in return. Love is still important. But the more you stress about it, the less likely it is to happen because any potential mates around you will sense that desperation, which is very off-putting (you have no idea). Instead, work on yourself. Work on being a good, kind, and worthwhile person. If you do that, all the other things in your life will eventually fall into place. Just be patient. Hugs, Papabear |
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